Let's run away

Tuesday, August 29, 2017 || 3:53 PM

The funny thing about being down is that you often think you're in the worst predicament the universe can ever put you in. Was I affected? Definitely. I was devastated. My heart probably needed a minute, for it to wallow in misery, but it's running well now. My guards are up, sorta, and I'm ready to run again. 

But hey, you came into my life and taught me to love myself and appreciate the world and people around me. For that, I'm thankful. You're special and a great person. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. 

One of my best friends visited me last weekend and I miss her so dearly. I can't wait till the other bestie comes from Singapore. We're planning something during summer and I can't wait. Brought her to the Gold Coast and Brisbane City. It was pretty chill, no commitments - just how we like it. Also, I met a new pal who lives nearby. He's such a sweetheart - again, friendships in unexpected situations. 

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Note to self

Saturday, August 19, 2017 || 12:29 PM

I told you, didn't I? I told you not to. I told you so. 

One of the many horrible circumstances in life that you can possibly land yourself in, is to be blessed with the curse of being a pushover. A pushover; I've been told many times that I'm the perfect example, epitome in fact, of a pushover.

In a work setting, being a pushover is inevitable for someone who's just starting out - Asian mindset here, it's like giving the higher ups some form of respect I guess. In a way, it's to satisfy their sadistic needs for superficial power.

But today, I'm not talking about work. I'm talking about personal relationships. It's sad to have someone you really care about, take advantage of your feelings for them. It's disappointing to actually acknowledge that this person you care about, highly likely, does not even know how much they affect you with their actions. It's depressing to know that you actually realise the situation but since you are a pushover, you can't get out of this cycle.

I'll try to keep to these new rules, in every hope that it'll help me get over this dreadful trait.

1. Don't be too nice
2. Learn to say "No"
3. Be more selfish and think of your feelings
4. Hurting someone may inflict some guilt in you, but you have to do it sometimes
5. Don't let your guard down
6. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them (know) in

Note to self: The next time someone reaches their hand out to you when you're falling, be sure to check this hand once, twice or maybe thrice, just because there's a 49.6% chance that he might push you deeper into that hole.

Passionate from miles away

Wednesday, August 16, 2017 || 9:27 PM

I seem to find comfort in weird places and unexpected people. 

Be it in a distant friend or an ex-nemesis - strangely enough, company finds you in peculiar situations. Have I fallen too deep? Or have I gotten too desperate? Or maybe... Did I finally realise that I deserve more than this? 

Whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore, does it? I detest myself so much right now for being too smiley. Maybe I shouldn't smile at everyone I meet and maybe I shouldn't be too open and let anyone in. Funnily enough, I didn't feel like I was too open though. Why that night? Why. Why. Why.  

Waking up everyday feeling empty used to be a norm. Now I wake up feeling guilty. Guilty about my whole existence on this earth. 

& the worst part about all these emotional thoughts is that, you probably won't feel as much because I think way too much into things. 
I don't know what I want. I don't know what's the right thing to do. This will sound selfish but please decide for me because either way I'll hurt a soul. Either way, I'll hurt me too. But that's okay, I'm pretty self-sacrificial.

I visited the Gold Coast last weekend and it was nice. I've never been much of a beach kind of girl but I do miss lying on the beach and just letting go. To be completely honest, Surfers Paradise was too cold when I visited but hey, it was a change of environment for once. 

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Strawberry Fields

Thursday, August 10, 2017 || 12:19 PM

"A leopard can't change its spots" - I hate this phrase. As much as I reject this saying, deep down inside, I know it may hold truth. Why? 20 years of living and I still feel like a misfit in a society that's so opinionated. 

Fair enough, everyone has an opinion and everyone has the right to share their opinions. But, I don't see why I can't do that. I've always had a problem with this since the younger days. & till' this very day I always find myself cringing at every authoritative stand or sentence I'd make. Let me reiterate, I have no idea why. Though, I don't think I show how much I cringe on my face anymore. 

You know what else hurts? The judgemental society we live in. I hate the judgement and expectation you'd get from strangers before you even get the chance to say anything. I mean, I understand that judgement is sort of a human instinct to protect ourselves from the unknown. But hey, it's 2017 - shouldn't we at least have an open mind about things? 

Stop categorising. Stop judging. Stop assuming. Open up, have conversations and learn more.

It's depressing to see people get depressed because they try to conform to the society's norm - and they just can't. Exhibit A. Me. 

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